how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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