Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
