I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
