I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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