Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
