His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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