apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
