3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
