Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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