There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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