My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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