the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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