the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
