Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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