yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
