i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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