I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
