i permit you to call me
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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