That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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