Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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