I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
