My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
