you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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