meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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