Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
