It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
