life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
