honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
