A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
