I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize