Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
