How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
