Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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