Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
