dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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