You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
