Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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