I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
