Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize