I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
