all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
