I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
