4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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