Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
