Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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