Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize