her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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