all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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