im six kinds of drunk right now
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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