If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
did i walk over a car last night?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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