he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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