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When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
