After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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