So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
