I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
