Whod you bang
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
